The other day in CVS I found myself looking for under eye wrinkle removers. I’m 25 years old and I think I have wrinkles around my eyes already. Doesn’t help that I discovered I have grey hair last year.
At least the wrinkles are around my eyes. That way I know it came from smiling so much, not frowning. I am smiling less lately because I feel like life is wearing me down already. On top of that, my biological clock is going crazy and I’m terrified that I won’t be a good mother someday, or that I won’t have the intestinal fortitude to give my children the discipline they require.
And I have absolutely unfounded and neurotic fears that I will lose Greg. I just keep thinking, we met when we are 20, and we have changed so much already and what if the older we get the more the changes drive us apart instead of closer? What if we become two totally different people, unable to remember why we loved each other so much? This is so lame, but I literally cannot imagine life without him. Like if I try to think what I would be like, it’s just a black spot in my imagination. This is so insecure. It’s ridiculous and vunerable. For so long I feel like I didn’t want people to know that I was at all vunerable. But now, it helps to say it.
I’m 25, I’m afraid of wrinkles and aging. I don’t want to die alone. I’m afraid I will never be able to own a house. I’m afraid I won’t always be able to pay my bills on time. I’m afraid by the time I am financially secure, I will feel too old to have children. I’m afraid that I’m not a good person, and that my insecurities drive people away. Most of all I am afraid of dying alone, with people only having a vague recollection that they ever knew me, having made no discernable impact on the world or people. I hope that by the time I die, there are still some people left who loved me.
