winter
This fucking weather exacerbates my depression so fucking much.
Winter is a time when I feel empty and alone and lethargic, and insecure and jittery and neurotic at the same time, if possible.
I feel like I wanted to do so much more, live so much more, be so much more than just an office worker who goes to school at night and can barely afford any clothing or shoes or anything that cost more than 20.00
I’m tired of trying to even appear happy and normal, which is probably the saddest thing - I don’t even have the energy to PRETEND to be ok.
Moments where I do feel normal are so heartening that they make me want to cry with joy. At this point I don’t care if people think I am weird, or crazy or insecure.
I’m fucking depressed and I don’t want to laugh at your joke, or buy milk, or read magazines, or answer your questions about work. I want to lay somewhere totally silent and not feel or think anything at all for awhile.
I don’t even want to talk about my upcoming wedding with anyone except my fiance. It should be happy, I should want to share, but I feel like I have to protect it from other people’s opinions all the time. I wish it was just the two of us sometimes and everyone else would disappear.
